Man In The Pew

Do you wonder what happened to the puppy love you and your wife shared while you were dating? Do you long to be close to her but don’t know how to rekindle that intimacy? Tony DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage believes there are at least seven intimacy killers, but we can conquer them all. Learn how in this episode.

ABOUT THIS SHOW:

• Learn how Tony DiLorenzo rediscovered faith while hiking the Pacific Crest trail
• Discover the 7 intimacy killers and what you can do about them
• Find out some ways to kind intimacy in your marriage starting today

7 Intimacy Killers that Could Destroy Your Marriage

#1: Technology pulls us away from our spouses

We are more connected to the world than ever. That can be good, but when it comes to our marriages these very blessings can become a curse. Our smartphones can distract us from intimacy by pulling us out of conversation or even out of the bedroom.

In episode 019 Leslie Samuel talks about how distractions impact our families and work. When we get a social media notification, a text or a phone call, we are allowing that person to become more important our spouse in that moment.

REMEDY: When you are on a date night, leave your phone in the car. If it’s essential that you’re reachable, put the phone on vibrate and keep it out of sight.

#2: Overcommitment lures us away from our spouses

Our schedules have become so full with work, entertainment, kids’ activiities, church and community involvement that we have no time OR energy left for our spouses. Our culture of workaholism and overachievement causes us to prioritize everything BUT our marriages.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Have you scheduled time to be alone with your wife this week? asks @TonyMDilorenzo” quote=”Are you overcommitted? Have you scheduled time to be alone with your wife this week? “]

REMEDY: Schedule time with your wife and make it a non-negotiable.

#3: Our kids can absorb our emotional energy to the detriment of our marriages

As our dreams for our kids develop, we can become so focused on helping them achieve their goals that we forget to focus on our own.

For example, you may desire to see your son go to a Division 1 college in sports. Let’s be realistic. Less than 3% of kids will play sports in college. Be honest about it with your kids and yourself. John McKenzie discussed this in episode 020.

REMEDY: Set realistic expectations and goals for your kids. Help them pursue their dreams, but don’t force it or make it your dream. Make a lifelong love affair with your wife a higher priority than your children.

#4: Pornography introduces other women into your bedroom

Everytime you look at something pornographic, whether hardcore or softcore, you are allowing that person into your bedroom.

Tony encourages us to not define yourself as someone who views pornography. Speak in faith that you are an overcomer. God has wiped your slate clean. Your wife is your beauty that you’ve given. Make her your only object of affection and don’t give pornography a second thought.

REMEDY: Get into a group of men where you can be honest about your struggle. Vow to turn from this cesspool and drink daily and exclusively from the well of a rich and growing marriage relationship with your wife.

Here are some valuable resources on overcoming pornography addiction:

• False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg
• Bondage Breaker is a great resource for dealing with any kind of addiction.
• Nate Larkin discussed 3 ways to overcome pornography addiction in episode 025.

#5: Broken trust breaks intimacy

Our spouses don’t want to give themselves to us when they can’t trust that we are being honest with them.

Even allowing the word divorce into your conversation will undermine trust and prevent intimacy.

REMEDY: If you’ve allowed broken trust to prevail in your marriage, expect it to take time to restore her trust. Take daily decisive action to show her you are trustworthy. You may need to seek marriage counseling to deal with the wounds and damage created.

#6: Lack of Positive Communication

Your words matter. If you speak to your wife and call her beautiful, she will warm up to you. She may not believe you at first, but keep saying it anyway.

If you speak harshly to your wife, she will shrink from you. Colosians 3:19 echoes this:

REMEDY: Speak kind words every day. Our pre-marital counselor encouraged us to look into each other’s eyes every night and tell each other what you love about the other person. It may feel forced and awkward at first, but you will begin to look forward to it.

#7: Making orgasm the goal of sex

In episode #388 of One Extraordinary Marriage, Tony and Alisa talk about the distortions that happen when we make orgasm the exclusive and defining goal of sexual intimacy. They talk about how this goal and other distortions and perversions effect how we view sex and its proper role in marriage.

REMEDY: Pursue variety and get to know your spouse’s desires for intimacy before you get to the bedroom.

RESOURCES TO HELP REKINDLE INTIMACY

Tony shared this resource with some questions you can ask regularly or annually to get to know how you and your wife are doing:

 19 Quick Questions That Will Rekindle Your Sex Life ASAP

Also listen to episode 32 with Matt Mundt to learn the top 4 things you can do to pursue love in your marriage.

Tony and Alisa also have a resource on how to write your spouse a love letter here.

Alisa wrote a book entitled Called to Love that shares much of their experience and philosophy on marital intimacy.

ABOUT TONY

As co-host of the #1 marriage podcast in iTunes, the ONE Extraordinary Marriage show, Tony DiLorenzo speaks to a worldwide audience about sex, love & commitment, and challenges every listener to make their relationship a priority. As a husband and business owner whose marriage has dealt with the issues of pornography, financial crisis and child loss, Tony speaks from the heart to those issues that impact relationships with a mixture of tough love and candor. Tony work with couples around the world, equipping them with the tools and strategies they need to create an extraordinary marriage.

Tony equips individuals struggling with a lack of time, communication or intimacy with specific tools and strategies to create the extraordinary relationships they desire.

Time Stamp Show Notes

1:30 – Colossians 3:19 – Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
2:52 – Tony’s baseball card stats
3:49 – Tony’s faith story
6:59 – Rediscovering faith while hiking the Pacific Crest trail Trail
10:04 – Marriage and starting the blog and podcast and why
11:58 – Podcast 1 – The 60 days of sex challenge
12:40 – The One Extraordinary Show
19:15 – How to increase intimacy through obstacles
20:59 – 7 intimacy killers
21:36 – Number 1 intimacy killer – Technology
24:40 – Suggestion to disengage from technology
28:55 – Number 2 intimacy killer – Overcommitted, learn to set time for each other
35:44 – Number 3 intimacy killer – Kids
38:52 – Talking to your kids about sex
40:12 – Number 4 intimacy killer – Pornography
40:20 – Get help to fix this in your marriage
43:44 – Book Bondage Breaker
45:03 – Number 5 intimacy killer – Broken trust
47:00 – Number 6 intimacy killer – Lack of positive communication
50:20 – Number 7 Intimacy killer – Making an orgasm the ultimate goal.
53:38 – 19 Quick Questions That Will Rekindle Your Sex Life ASAP
57:30 – Closing prayer